Bicycles are Not Weapons, No Matter How Aggressive the Head Angle

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Bicycles are Not Weapons, No Matter How Aggressive the Head Angle

Kyle von Hotzendorf wrote a piece for Mythical State Of and we wanted to share an excerpt. If you like this sample, check out the full article at MSO.

Here is a list of weapons: brass knuckles, nunchucks, daggers, spears, swords, baseball bats wrapped in barbed wire, Colt 45, Bazooka, F-35, Triton Class nuclear submarine, revenge porn, and slurs.

In contrast, here is a list of non-weapons: stuffed animals, Hallmark cards, watermelons, file cabinets, water slides, oil filters, tomato starts, the color yellow, the sound of turtles swimming, orange-haired Troll Dolls, wakeboards, hedgehogs, duvet covers, tennis visors and bicycles.

But there are some amongst us who insist upon referring to their bicycles as weapons. And this clique isn’t some shadowy cabal, noooo, no. This faction is very out in the open, peddling their influence across all varieties of social media. From Instagram to blog to vlog to Snapchat and back to Instagram, there are those who insist upon weaponizing the venerable bicycle. For instance, a middle-aged man might share a picture of his very carbon, very expensive road bicycle as it leans against a garage door, a sudsy brush just poking into the frame—“Just cleaned the weapon for this coming weekend’s Cat 3 crit!” Or a young male dressed in just the right amount of beard might pose his new bicycle at the start of a trail, the caption reading: “I present to you, the #UltimateTrailWeapon.” “Have you ever thought about killing time in your triathlon? With this weapon, time is as good as DEAD.” No, I’ve never thought about a triathlon and, please, just don’t…